


Deep in my bones, I can feel you Take me back to a time only we knew

by Constantly_bored



Category: Glee
Genre: 4x04, Angst, Klaine, M/M, at least I don't think it is, eli c also not actually in it but he's referenced, finn and rachel are barley in it really, i have a lot of feelings about this episode, not blaine bashing!!, not happy ending, season 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:54:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25465033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Constantly_bored/pseuds/Constantly_bored
Summary: Title from The chainsmokers - RosesSomething’s changed. Kurt can feel it.He can feel it in the way Blaine hugs him too tight, kisses him not in the strong I’ve missed you so much way, but in the hard I need to remember this way.The roses don’t feel like a gift, but Kurt can’t figure out why.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	Deep in my bones, I can feel you Take me back to a time only we knew

Something’s changed. Kurt can feel it. He can feel it in the way Blaine hugs him too tight, kisses him not in the strong _I’ve missed you so much_ way, but in the hard _I need to remember this_ way.

The roses don’t feel like a gift, but Kurt can’t figure out why.

Blaine’s quiet. He’s too quiet. He’s pulled along by Kurt, like he’s an obedient pet being taken on a walk, and it makes Kurt feel uneasy.  
Kurt points out his favourite places in the city. He shows him the coffee shop that reminds him of Lima Bean, and he points out where just over an old, run-down building you can see the top of NYADA . Blaine nods along with it all but doesn’t think about it. Doesn’t think about how maybe that building could’ve been one of Kurt’s favourite at one point but now it’s boring, uninteresting, and needs a phone call everyday from Kurt or it goes out and does something stupid that it can’t take back.  
Because it’s just a building. A building, an obstacle blocking Kurt’s future from view. Something Kurt probably cannot wait until it’s out of his way.

They make it to the bar. Kurt orders a drink, a real drink, with a fake ID. Because Kurt has a fake ID, because Kurt’s growing up.  
New York Kurt drinks alcohol. He has fun without the constant fear of consequences because New York Kurt is _safe_ and in New York.  
Boys that like boys aren’t the phenomena they are in Lima in New York. Kurt must get hit on constantly here. He doesn’t have to settle for the first gay guy he meets that doesn’t sexually harass him. Or the first person to call him sexy in a Facebook message.

Blaine wants to sing. He wants to remind Kurt he loves him, attach himself to the lyrics. He wants something Kurt will always remember him for. He chokes over the words but he fights through it. He needs everyone in the world to know how much Kurt means to him.  
He can’t lose him. He can’t lose him. He begs into the song.  
_My heart stops when you look at me Just one touch, now baby I believe This is real, so take a chance And don't ever look back, don't ever look back._

His pleads are useless. Kurt sees through him, he always has, he’s so beautiful and smart and caring how could he not? When he asks what’s wrong Blaine almost doesn’t tell him. He isn’t ready to lose Kurt, and maybe Kurt isn’t ready to lose him yet either. Maybe it would be better if he said nothing, maybe.

But he tells him. He opens his mouth and the words spill out, sour and partly a broken-off sob. He wants Kurt to scream at him. Maybe even hit him. What he doesn’t want is to watch Kurt’s face crumble, become stained red as the tears rolling down his cheeks.  
He asks if it was Sebastian. Blaine thanks God he wasn’t that stupid.

They walk in silence after that, Blaine trailing after him. Kurt’s walking so fast, maybe he thinks he can outrun this bad dream. Leave _this_ Blaine behind and wake up, and call Blaine where he’ll be sat in his own bed, alone and waiting.

It’s about midnight when they’ve walked back to the apartment. It’s silent. Rachel and Finn walk in after them and Blaine almost forgot they had been there too. He wonders if they heard, if Finn’s going to hit him like he promised he would last year _if he ever broke his brother’s heart_.  
Kurt sees the flowers he’d left on the kitchen table. He understands now that they were never a happy present, they were to say _sorry_. Like he can make it up to him with a few dozen roses. It only makes Kurt angrier.

As Kurt and Blaine change they do it in silence, not daring to make eye contact. They get into bed and it’s the first time Blaine has tried to touch him since the park. He tries to hold his hand, at first Kurt can’t even tell if the touch was on purpose but he pulls away like he’s been burned anyway.  
After an hour or so of just looking at the ceiling, watching the lights from the cars driving past, Kurt decides he feels too sick to go to sleep. He goes to the bathroom and looks at himself in the mirror. He can’t help but feel dirty.

He looks at his lips and remembers Blaine kissing them, then thinks about Blaine kissing another man’s. Someone Kurt doesn’t even know, although Kurt doesn’t think it would make him feel better if it had been someone he knew. He starts rubbing them, like he can erase the memory of all the times Blaine’s lips moved gently against his or the times he’d kiss him hard and passionately. He doesn’t want to remember it, or wonder how he kissed the other man. He can’t- he stops suddenly when he sees he’s rubbed his lips almost raw.

He laughs at how absurd they look for a second, until the small chuckles turn to silent sobs. His knees become weak and he sit on the bathroom floor for what could’ve been minutes or hours, before taking a deep breath and stumbling back to his bed.

But then he sees Blaine there. And he wants him to go. He wants him out of him bedroom, out of his _apartment_. His alarm clock says it’s only four am. He sighs, because he doesn’t want Blaine to go. He wants him to stay because he’s not sure when or even _if_ they’re going to see each other again after tonight.  
Another tear runs down his face, but he wipes it away, grabs his pillow and sets up a bed on the couch.

As he looks over and sees the flowers still on the table, he sees they’ve already started to die.  
Kurt really hates those roses.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written anything like this before, sorry if it kind of sucks


End file.
